Lesson 9 – Transforming and Letting Go of Relationships
Hey guys! Welcome to the last lesson of this chapter. This lesson is about letting go of, and/or transforming, relationships.
The previous lessons in this chapter have discussed discovering your theme, empowering yourself, and understanding that there is more to life than just your physical mind. Of course, you already had a hunch about this; you already knew this. But now you know there is: the physical mind, the non-physical guiding mind (which is always in support of and in communication with you), and the Higher Self—soul or Love-Light (which is always in support of you as well, albeit in a more passive way; it is just sort of making sure that you are always basking in the Love and Light of your True Self). Now you know there are higher aspects of your Consciousness engaged with your life to different degrees, and that these are aspects you can call upon, you can draw upon. They are always supporting you and guiding you, specifically for your journey and for your theme.
You now realize that this journey never ends. Since you have cultivated the reflective attitude and you are learning more efficiently and more quickly from all of the events and data you experience in your life, you will start to accelerate your learning journey in this life. And the more quickly you learn, the faster your reality tends to reflect these inner changes.
In my own experience, the more I use catalysts, the more I use my experience—the experiential realm that seems to be outside of me—the more I am able to interpret experience from higher levels of Consciousness, using greater wisdom, intuition and clarity. I am able to see a bigger-picture perspective. I learn and appreciate because of this reflective attitude within myself. I am now learning so fast that I am almost exclusively using the level of imagination to learn things before they even have to manifest. But of course, I also learn from manifest challenges, from flow and not-flow, from the people around me, and so on.
Now that you are starting to accelerate your learning, increasing the amount of benefit and learning you extract from the experiences that you and your Higher Mind are attracting into your life (for the purpose of learning and greater expansion and better fine-tuning of your thematic energy), one thing you will notice is that many people (perhaps even you) are challenged by relationships that don’t quite work anymore; relationships that seem to represent the “old paradigm.”
Transforming and Letting Go of the Old Paradigm
When we are talking about transforming and letting go of relationships, first and foremost we are talking about transforming and letting go of your relationship to your own ideas, to your own beliefs, and to your own paradigm. That is what is going to change first. The more you understand yourself, the more you wake up, the more you use catalysts efficiently—the more you will accelerate your expansion. As a result, you will no longer be able to fit into the paradigms that previously supported your vibration. Your vibration is too big, too high, too expanded, too free, and too wild; you can no longer fit into these old ideas.
You may find that everything in your life is a reflection of your old ideas, and especially the things that don’t seem to have enough capacity to grow along with you. Certain things will grow along with your expanded consciousness, for example, you might still enjoy the house you live in; the house might still be reflective of your higher frequency. Your dog might be able to effortlessly go with you because it is not a contradiction and is not limiting you.
But let’s say you are in a romantic relationship that for the past few years has been a reflection of your old ideas about yourself. And now that you are changing and letting go of the old ideas within yourself, you are finding that your relationships with a lot of people are starting to change significantly.
There are a few things that might happen here. It is possible for these relationships to grow and expand with you. This is definitely not rare—it happens a lot; it happens all the time, in fact. To an extent, this is a reflection of what you believe is possible. It is possible for you to shift into an alternate, parallel version of reality (may I remind you that everything is a parallel reality, so there are parallel versions of everyone, which you generate from your own Higher Self Consciousness), where the seemingly same partner will be a vibrational match to you. Of course, he or she will be a different expression of their overall soul—and of your soul, because it’s a combination of both. When you see a physical being, what you are seeing is a combination of your own soul creating energy to look the way it does, and the agreement of the other’s soul to participate in that dreamlike connection within the illusion of physical reality.
You have the ability, with the proper shifting of your belief system and with enough confidence and freedom within your frequency, to shift into a parallel version of your own reality, which comes with a different version or variation of the person that you have been in a relationship with. This also applies to friends and family and neighbors and co-workers; it doesn’t matter what the relationship is.
When Your Partner Isn’t Changing as Fast as You Are
But let’s say the partner you have been in relationship with for a few years seems to be quite static. Of course, everyone changes, and every change is a complete change, even if it is seemingly small compared to the previous state. Everyone changes, but compared to how fast you are moving and using catalysts (because you are watching my videos and this is speeding it up for you), maybe your partner isn’t as consciously engaged with his or her own journey, and isn’t changing as fast.
You may discover a deep inspiration that you have never fully acted upon. Your child-like dreams may return. You feel confident, you feel freer. And suddenly, the concepts and agreements that you have agreed to—and perhaps even the person you fell in love with—are no longer conducive to the next stage of your journey.
For obvious reasons, this is a tricky challenge for many people, because people have kids, houses, and so on. We have created many agreements with each other. We have lived our lives in such a concealed way together, that when we make a significant change, the ripple effects challenge us; we have to make choices. This is what this is lesson is for—it is to help you recognize and acknowledge that this is what happens on a very frequent basis as you keep expanding in your own journey.
The thing is, you will start to attract more and more people into your life who are also very excited about their excitement, very passionate about their passion, very engaged in their spiritual awakening, very committed to their continuous growth and accelerated learning and living. The more you change in this way, the more you will attract people, friends, relationships, and communities that will form, in a way, your “vibrational family,” which might feel more like your actual family than your physical family feels. You will find so much more interest in the relationships you will gather around you by the Law of Attraction. This will happen naturally, by simply becoming an accelerated-learning being.
So, what should you do in the case of a more static agreement or relationship? What should you do when you feel you are expanding at a faster rate than your present paradigm, faster than your present relationship or relationships can support you?
I have many friends who are following their joy and resonance, and some of them are very extreme in their approach to this. They are very much like, “OK, this doesn’t resonate, so I’m going to change it right now.” Other people feel like they are expanding into new realities, but they are a little too afraid, you could say. They are a little bit unbalanced, not so much toward the extreme side of the first example, but toward the extreme side of fear of loss or fear of lack or fear of disruption or fear of hurting other people’s feelings. This is the other extreme.
The Middle Way
I like the middle way, myself. Of course, you have to practice and feel into this yourself. But I promise you, if you start applying these teachings, you will have plenty of practice transforming and letting go of relationships—almost on a daily basis. But don’t be afraid of this! This is a most amazing practice. After some practice, you will discover the truth of Love, so to speak. You will discover a depth of Love that transcends whatever agreements you have made; that transcends whether or not you are physically together; that transcends whatever the personalities might agree or disagree on.
It is very profound. It breaks open your “personal bubble.” Through these “mini-sacrifices” of going through relationships in a certain way and transforming them, or sometimes letting go of them, you become bold and brave in terms of following your heart, while still maintaining your integrity and your communication.
This is the “middle way” between the extremes, and it is what I personally prefer. The middle way is where I will follow my resonance, and if I strongly feel that I am expanding into a new paradigm, into a new reality that I want to explore, I will honor that and not hold myself back from moving steadily in that direction. However, I will also have patience in terms of understanding where the other person is at in their process. I will do my very best to honor the agreements we have made, whether they are verbally spoken agreements or subliminally, organically-assumed agreements. I want to honor these types of agreements to the best of my ability, even though they aren’t written down on a piece of paper or communicated specifically, like: “Yes, we are going to be in this particular type of a relationship for this long…”
Even if you have no agreements with someone verbally, for example, if you say, “Let’s not have any agreements,” you will find that energetically and relationally, simply through being together, you will form certain bonds. You will form certain subliminal, subconscious, energetic assumptions. I treat these assumptions as if we have made these agreements verbally. Not quite to the same extent as verbal agreements, but I do honor these as well.
What this means is that I am sensitive to where the other person is at. I am sensitive to what their worldview is; I am sensitive to what their understanding is of the relationship we are in. When I expand beyond that paradigm, or when I am called to go in a different direction, I understand that, even if we haven’t agreed upon staying in this relationship in any way, there are still certain assumptions; there are still certain projections for the future. They assume that I will still be here tomorrow. This is just a simple example.
So personally, I always choose to honor assumptions like this, and therefore, the only tools that will clarify all of it are communication and time. I am not one to walk away quickly. I give everything I have to the possibility of transforming the relationship. One could even argue that I stay in a relationship like that a bit too long; that I have a little too much patience, and perhaps I drag it out a bit farther than it needs to go.
This is just my own personality; this is what feels good to me. I would rather feel that something is truly complete, and that I have done everything that feels relevant and good to me as a person, according to my integrity, before I choose to move on. Because I know I can move on at any time anyway, if I really have to or want to, so it’s not that big of a deal.
I don’t usually have a lot of things to process after the end of a relationship, so I am not too worried about my own state of being. It is more an act of feeling into the potential of that relationship and seeing if it could still match the direction in which I strongly sense I am moving. And so, we will have communications where it is brought into the light that a new desire has arrived, a new direction has arrived, a new resonance has been made clear to these physical minds—or at least to my mind, in that example. This is communicated, and then it depends on how far along the other person wants to go in terms of that vibrational shift; in terms of that reality or paradigm shift.
If it seems like the other person doesn’t want to change or is no longer compatible—as soon as I see that there really is no way to honor the relationship anymore without sacrificing my relationship to my own soul journey, that’s the point where I have to make a decision. And I will gladly make that decision for the both of us that perhaps it is better to end the relationship.
I understand that this can be really scary. And it is still not my favorite moment of life to do so. It’s sensitive. It’s a sensitive experience and there is a lot of energy involved. Lack beliefs can be triggered in either person in that scenario. It is never the thing I look forward to the most, but it is also not something I fear anymore. I prioritize following my resonance over staying in a relationship that is no longer serving either party, because I know that if it is no longer serving me and my journey, then for sure it doesn’t serve the other person for me to stay with them. Maybe for a little while longer—again, to give the relationship a “stretching period” where we can see what is possible and where we can communicate possibilities. We can try it out; we can see what happens and how far we want to journey together. But if it is really clear that the capacity is not there, then obviously a decision has to be made. Otherwise, we sacrifice our relationships to ourselves and to our new ideas, and we get stuck in one of those Day 2 challenges.
To review, Day 1 is the new inspiration. Day 2 might be the challenging reflections of the old paradigm, including relationships. Now, you might choose, for certain big life changes, to stay in the Day 2 challenge for a time, while still maintaining your frequency and your vision, in order to communicate and to see if there is some possibility for those agreements, for your present relationships, to transform along with your new change.
Or you may even shift into an alternate reality where this person suddenly does want what you desire. They feel aligned with your new vibrational shift, and they feel as awake as you are in many ways. This is possible too. It is not always relevant, so it might not happen that way, but you can at least try it and play with parallel realities, using imagination and intention. Something will always happen.
Shift into the confident reality where, no matter what, you want a harmonious, transformative transition—either with your current relationship or away from that relationship and into a new relationship with your new paradigm. Who knows who is waiting for you there already, anyway. Set the intention to shift into a reality where things work harmoniously, fluidly, and with clear communication, and then let the chips fall where they may. Either this person will grow along with you, or it is simply not in their or your higher service to continue the relationship (which you are having with yourself in the form of them) in this particular fashion with these two particular body-mind compositions.
So, do what you can, and be patient. Do your best to communicate. Honor your integrity to the best of your ability towards that person. Be as understanding as you can. You will feel better about yourself for doing so, before you choose to leave, or before they choose to transform with you and leave that old paradigm as well—which is also very cool. But if that doesn’t seem to work, then the choice has to be made to let go of that relationship; otherwise you will revert back to before Day 1 and dull down your frequency. You will literally, gradually crystallize dis-ease into your physical and circumstantial reality. I wouldn’t say “disease” but rather “dis-ease” to start with.
Remember that catalyst or inspiration or invitation or challenge or struggle is always offered first to the mental-emotional body or consciousness. These new impulses ask us to accept the challenge of becoming fearless within ourselves, to remove or transform all lack beliefs, and to believe that we can step out of a relationship if we need to, or have to—if our soul sort of “commands” it of us. We can do so with respect and communication, and with some time and patience. At least that’s my choice; they way you do it is up to you. As you become more fearless of that change, and as you uproot those beliefs and transform them, you will find that some of your greatest liberations and transformations await you in those choices.
Changes in Your Relationships are Almost Inevitable
It is almost inevitable that someone on the spiritual journey, especially on the accelerated-learning, reflective-attitude, inclusive spiritual journey, will go through lessons like these. It is very rare for a person on that path to not have to go through some of these lessons and beautiful revelations that come with doing one’s best to shift realities and transform relationships and/or move away from particular relationships.
These lessons aren’t always about your partner. A lesson can mean, for example, that you accept the fact that your physical family was the ground from which you were raised, but that it is not defining who you are today, and that you don’t have any obligations to them, per se. For many people, that’s a very tricky point, too. People feel very, very loyal to their physical family.
In some cases, a family is genuinely thematic in nature; they generally have sort of a “group theme,” exploring what it’s like to go through life together for the full extent of their life span. But in many cases, this is not necessarily thematically true. People who are “hatched within the same nest,” so to speak, who are raised within the same nest, are not necessarily meant to go through life as the closest potential friends and partners. I mean “partners” not as in “relational partners” (of course that happens too, obviously), but in terms of partners in life who are co-working in this life and on this journey.
Many people are meant to leave the nest and go on to new explorations. This doesn’t mean they are breaking the bonds of relationship with these people, per se. But it does mean they give themselves permission to feel free to explore, without being bound by anyone from their physical family, and to not feel obligated to any other physical human being.
Follow Your Own True Resonance
It is important realize that ultimately, the only permission you ever need to make a change comes from your own Higher Mind. It is important to be truly, intuitively, transparently, and honestly connected with integrity to that true impulse, not just to the needs and the wants you think you have because of your insistence, because of your belief in lack somewhere else, which leads to “I want this.” Rather, out of a holistic transparency, out of an almost “meditative channeling state,” you know who it is you are.
You have used and adapted and applied the reflective attitude. You have opened up to higher consciousness levels that are constantly feeding you intuitive impulses as to who you are. You have done the thematic exploration. You are starting to connect some of the dots, and it is becoming clearer and more obvious (at least vibrationally) who you want to be, how you want to live this life, and what the energetic quality, lesson or purpose is—what the primary purpose of this life is, even if it is very abstract.
You are on an accelerated journey of self discovery. And so you must understand that, ultimately, the only connection you need to honor when it comes down to it, is your connection to your own soul. Do whatever you can to honor your relationships with the people around you, but when it comes down to it, and when you have given it your all, the only choice left for you to make is to follow your own true resonance. That should never be sacrificed, except for perhaps a foreseeable period of time, for the sake of respect and love and communication and understanding, if that is how you want to be of service to the people around you.
Ultimately, you must stay true to the direction your soul inspires you to move in. True inspiration is the highest authority. If you are truly inspired to go in a certain direction, trust that—by all means, trust that! Communicate this as clearly as you can to those whom you have attracted from your old paradigm. Let them know you have to become a new person; you have become a new being. Be absolutely willing to show them what it is like for you to live right now, the way you experience yourself right now. Let them know that they can join you in those endeavors, if they so desire; but if not, you have to continue your journey. Because otherwise, you are making yourself sick; you are making yourself unhealthy; you are putting yourself out of alignment with why you are here. The purpose of your incarnation needs to be honored more so than the relationships that come and go.
So, I hope you feel permission internally, without being reckless with everyone at the same time. Again, this is my personal recommendation; you must find your own balance with it. As I mentioned before, I have friends who follow their resonance, but who don’t really care that much about what anyone else feels. Sometimes it may seem as if that is the case for me, but it is never the case for me. I always hold this simultaneity—this balance of doing whatever I can to ease the process of transformation, to see what is possible, to offer that new reality to the other person consistently, as non-intrusively as I can—but still consistently showing the new offering, the new possibility. If they want to take it, great. If they don’t want to take it, and it seems like there is no capacity for taking it, then I will make the choice to follow my resonance without regret.
I hope this was somewhat clarifying and helpful, or at least offers acknowledgement to some of the situations you might be dealing with, or that you might encounter at some point.
Feel absolutely free and encouraged to share about your process in the Academy Forum, because I know there are a lot of adepts (if not all adepts) who are to some degree faced with this in their realities. The transformation and letting go of relationships is a constant practice and it really, really empties the ego out of you. In fact, it allows you to become more and more expanded, more and more selfless, more and more giving, and more and more of service—which I will talk about in the next chapter.
Thank you very much. Your homework is simply to listen to this lesson again, to see what it does to you, and to apply this to your own life, obviously.
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